For some reason every single one of my "guests" (that's what my manager would have me refer to them) last night thought they were one of the goddam Kings of Comedy. If you've been in the biz, I know you know what I'm talking about. Those dumbass cliche jokes every server/bartender has heard a million times. You ask them how they want the check. "Oh, we don't want it!", "You just keep it", ect., ect,. Very fucking funny asshole, now just tell me how the hell do you want me to spilt this motherfucking check up so you can get your unorginal, unhalirious ass out of here. Or the dipshits who say stupid shit like, "I don't have any money, guess I better wash some dishes". I actually hope you are kidding because we have a dishwasher for that shit and I will call the cops on your ass. I should actually call the cops anyway for you making me stand here one more second than I should, listening to you laugh at your own jokes and basically raping my ears with your annoying ass chuckle.
And then there is the dickheads that all but lick their fucking plates clean and when you go to clear it they say, "Oh, we just HATED it!", or "That was just terrible!" Oh, for fuck's sake, just hand me your goddam plate, piggy. I don't have time for this shit. And if you think you're even getting a courtesy laugh from me, fuck you. I'm taking the plate you just inhaled a chocolate cake off of and walking away, just so you look like the gluttonous asshole you have proved yourself to be.
Just shut the fuck up, pay your bill and leave. I don't need your stupid, unwitty ass comments that you would have no be no less than mentaly retarded not to realize I hear dumb shit just like it every day. You are not funny and I can only hope your dining companions see what a cheesedick you are.
We've heard every single "joke" there is, it wasn't amusing when anyone else said it. I can assure you, you saying it will not be an exception.
But nothing, and I mean nothing, will make me roll my eyes out of my head more than when I'm tending bar and I ask some drunk ass if he wants another one (Why I even bother, I don't know). They then proceed to say, "Twist my arm!" Okay, first off, fuck you. I'm not touching you for fear of catching your obvious dumbassness. And I highly doubt anyone has ever had to twist your arm or even imply there is still more booze in the county to get your ass to have another drink. Here's your fucking drink. Leave me alone, drink it and shut the fuck up.
Here's a tip. If you are one of those douchebags that makes these kind of "jokes", NO ONE thinks you are funny. If they happen to laugh, trust me, it's not because you have in any way amused them. They are just working for their tip. And shame on you for making someone work that hard for a tip. And if you have friends that pull shit like that when you go out with them, I totally recommend cutting them out of your life and defriending them on Facebook. Block the fucker too, they are that much of a douchebag.
I worked for a pharmacy in my high school years. I was required by law to ask everyone I sold a prescription medication to if they had any questions for the pharmacist. I swear, on my last day, I would have screamed if I had heard the following:
ReplyDelete1. Yeah, what's the number for tomorrow's winning lottery ticket?
Ha Ha...do you think the girl who has to ask people if they have a fucking question over a hundred times a fucking shift has never heard that one, asshole?
I would have let out a smaller scream if I had heard this:
2. Yeah, did Oswald do it?
Slightly more creative, hardly more funny.
Say what you want, but my high school job probably vaccinated me for working as a waitress.
I forgot to write that if i ever asked anyone if I could get the anything else, they would say, "How about a million dollars?" If I had a million dollars i wouldn't be waiting on your dumb ass. People amaze me with just how fucking stupid they can be. The Oswald line would probally have tempted me to steal whatever crazyperson drugs they were picking up ;-)
ReplyDeleteI love, when you present the bill, and some toothless fat slob says, "Duh......I didn't order that!"
ReplyDelete"Ticket? Oh no, we're not staying for the drawing. HAR HAR HAR!"
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've heard that one a million times too. You would think these fuckers could at least come up with some new material.
ReplyDeleteCan I get you anything else? "Yeah, a wheelbarrow to roll me outta here!" Har har fucking har har.
ReplyDelete