Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Good, the Bad, and the Fuck Your "Generous Tip"

One of the great/awful things about working in the biz is that you come across some of the biggest assholes you could ever imagine. You also come across some truely remarkable human beings. Tonight was one of those nights.
First the good. I have been making an attempt to stop smoking. I suppose if I succeed I'll have to change the name of this blog to "I need a Xanax break", but I guess that would work too. Anyway, I went to the doc and got a script for Chantix. I've tried to quit before, and it just wasn't happening. So this was my last resort. Now, being a bartender/server, guess who doesn't have insurance? This girl, that's who. And that shit cost about $300. All I can say is this shit better work, because I have been planning on picking up extra shifts to pay for it.
I have a bar regular who can be a pain in my ass sometimes (and he knows it, I tell him daily. We have that kind of special bar regular/bartender relationship. But I know I'm his favorite, so it's okay) But really when it comes down to it, he has a good heart and would pretty much do anything for anybody. So I put up with him and he puts up with me and, well, we get along just fine and have had some great/meaningful/heartfelt conversations with him and trust him with some of my secrets and he has never judged me. He knows how much I really want (okay, need) to quit smoking, so I was telling him how I took the first step with getting the Chantix but it would be awhile before I could actually pick it up because it just wasn't in my budget. I wasn't poormouthing. I completly planned on getting it as soon as I could, but he actually threw a 20 down and went around getting donations from other people he knew that happened to be there tonight. He raised me over $100 and promised me he would have the rest of it within a week.
Well, let's just say that my cynical little heart just melted. This isn't a creeper trying to hit on me. He is someone who actually cares about my health and wanted to help. It really meant a lot to me and it showed me that not all people are all talk and bullshit and no action.And that people you come across in this life, care about you more than you ever would have imagined. And that makes me smile. So, I know you will never read this, but thanks Joe. It really did mean a lot to me that you cared that much. And you're drink will never be empty or underpoured on my watch.
Okay, now to the bad. And these people fucking pissed me the fuck off and can suck a dick (this happened before the other thing did. Maybe if it hadn't I would have not been as pissed. But probally not).
Anyway, couple comes in with a baby. Sits it on the table. Whatever. I get their drinks. Take their order. The whole time they are snapping pics with their phones of the kid. I can tell they just want me to ooohhh and ahhh all over this baby. Just by the way they were looking at me, I new they wanted me to comment on what a sweetheart he was, how adorable, how precious. What the fuck ever. I have nothing agianst kids or babies. Maybe one day I'll have one. Who knows?In the past I've waited on kids that were so well behaved and sweet that my uterus ached.But I just was not in the fucking mood today. I'm not fucking Olan Mills taking pictures of your vagina dropping. I'm not going to go on and on about how fucking great it is that you as a couple have reproduced and decided to plop you fucking kid down on my table. You ordered you food. You got it. Your drinks never went empty and I was never at one time rude or short with you. I just didn't mention your fucking baby. It's not like he's ordering anything anyway and he's asleep so why the fuck do I need to acknowledge him? You have a baby. Big. Fucking. Deal.
Anyway so they finish eating and I ask them if there is anything else I can get them. No, they say, just the check. That would imply they didn't want dessert or anything right? I would think so, but apparently I was dead fucking wrong.
So they and the most precious child ever to be given birth too (how dare I not see that) leave. I go to pick up the credit card slip and ......fuck. They are some of those fuckers that like to leave passive agressive little notes on the slip. FUCK YOU. I would rather you just have the balls to go to the manager and complain than be little note writing pussies. You know I have to turn that shit in and you know the manager is going to see it and, well, it's just a dick move.
Basically the note said that I didn't offer them dessert (you fuckers said you were ready for the goddam check!) , didn't bring them bread plates (I totally fucking did), and that I didn't really conversate with them. Well, fuck me! What do you want me to do, sit down and fucking eat with your asses. You really didn't speak to me much more than to give your order, so its not like I was avoiding having any type of conversation with you. I was doing my job and waiting on other tables that obviously doesn't have issues of not getting self-entitled attention.You got everything you needed from me. Maybe you just hate each other so much as a couple that you need to bullshit with your server to have a nice meal. Maybe Superbaby didn't feel like talking to your asses either. Maybe your just passive agressive fuckfaces.
Personally, I think the reason they were so pissed off is because I didn't one time mention their baby and they felt that maybe, perhaps, they weren't fantastically special people for fucking and having a kid but simply normal people that happened to get knocked up. I know that's what really pissed them off. I could just tell by the way they kept snapping pictures of his ass everytime I walked by.
So they leave this long ass note (front and back) about how I need to be more personable. WTF? Most people I know when they go out just want to talk to the person they came out to eat with. Maybe I'm just crazy like that. I'm your server. Not a goddam clown to entertain your asses. I wasn't rude but I sure as hell didn't intend on bouncing a ball on my nose like a fucking seal to make your experience more enjoyable.I also have other shit I need to do. And I'm sure as hell not going to droll all over your crotchdropping, because frankly, I see babies everygoddam day and they all pretty much look the same. Oh and the kicker: They left me a four buck tip on $60, circled it and wrote "Generous tip." Fuck you. I hope your kid grows up to be a faboulous gay man that you disown because you just seem like the type of assholes that would do some shit like that. I then hope he writes a tell all book about how you are both assholes and makes millions of dollars and has a happy wonderful life far, far away from you dickwads.
Oh and by the way, I threw your slip away and told my manager I lost it (you didn't actually think I was going to let my ass get chewed out because of you, did you?). Also you can keep your "generous tip" and shove it up your passive agressive asses.
But I digress. Once again, thanks Joe. You made my night.


  1. "One of the great/awful things about working in the biz is that you come across some of the biggest assholes you could ever imagine." <--- So true!! Sorry about the note writers! I hate them the most! Like you said.. Have some balls and tell me to my face you are not happy!

  2. Ugh, I am so uninterested in babies and toddlers! Everyone else I work with is a mom, and just about coos themselves to death when a little one comes in. They think I'm freaking nuts but I. Don't. Care.

  3. But.....the baby was....cute.
    I remmeber when I stopped by the table and he cooed and oohed at me, and then said, "Hello Bob" and gave me a twenty dollar tip from his blankie.
    He truly was an amazing infant.
    You missed out.
    Of course, I did get a gay vibe from him, so.............

  4. You were drunk again at work last night again, weren't you Bob?

  5. Joe sounds like an awesome guy. It's really cool that he cares about you like that and he sounds like a great customer. Don't you wish you had a whole bar full of Joes?

    I can totally understand that the parents were assholes. I usually feel the same way about most babies. If they're not mine then I'm not all that interested. I have found in my waitressing journey that it never hurts for me to acknowledge the baby because he is sitting there and a quick, "Oh, isn't he the most beautiful baby ever?" is usually enough for those people. Of course, it goes without saying that your server is not there to stroke your parental ego and to actually tip poorly and leave a nastygram on the credit card slip is beyond tasteless. Those 2 sound like a couple of children themselves! Spoiled,self-entitled children.

  6. Wow...those two stories are so...different. Joe's story was completely heartwarming. He does sound like a very selfless and caring individual.

    As for the passive-aggressive assholes, there are two things I'd like to point out.

    1. Servers are not portable entertainment systems. If they are old enough to have children, they are old enough to know that their server doesn't have to be (and probably shouldn't be) a 'conversent'. A bartender, yes; a server, no.

    2. Do they know what they are doing to their kid with that behavior? Sure, he's a baby now. And if they continue to act like that when he's a kid? They could give him personality disorders that will forever affect how he treats other people, and will pretty much guarantee that he would be unable to (a) interact with society and (b) live a normal, successful life, according to anyone's definition of the word. Seriously, that looks like Narcisistic Personality Disorder waiting to happen. And, as much as I hate NPD people, I feel bad for the baby...

  7. Couldn't agree with Rachel more.