The Good, the Bad, and the Fuck Your "Generous Tip"

One of the great/awful things about working in the biz is that you come across some of the biggest assholes you could ever imagine. You also come across some truely remarkable human beings. Tonight was one of those nights.
First the good. I have been making an attempt to stop smoking. I suppose if I succeed I'll have to change the name of this blog to "I need a Xanax break", but I guess that would work too. Anyway, I went to the doc and got a script for Chantix. I've tried to quit before, and it just wasn't happening. So this was my last resort. Now, being a bartender/server, guess who doesn't have insurance? This girl, that's who. And that shit cost about $300. All I can say is this shit better work, because I have been planning on picking up extra shifts to pay for it.
I have a bar regular who can be a pain in my ass sometimes (and he knows it, I tell him daily. We have that kind of special bar regular/bartender relationship. But I know I'm his favorite, so it's okay) But really when it comes down to it, he has a good heart and would pretty much do anything for anybody. So I put up with him and he puts up with me and, well, we get along just fine and have had some great/meaningful/heartfelt conversations with him and trust him with some of my secrets and he has never judged me. He knows how much I really want (okay, need) to quit smoking, so I was telling him how I took the first step with getting the Chantix but it would be awhile before I could actually pick it up because it just wasn't in my budget. I wasn't poormouthing. I completly planned on getting it as soon as I could, but he actually threw a 20 down and went around getting donations from other people he knew that happened to be there tonight. He raised me over $100 and promised me he would have the rest of it within a week.
Well, let's just say that my cynical little heart just melted. This isn't a creeper trying to hit on me. He is someone who actually cares about my health and wanted to help. It really meant a lot to me and it showed me that not all people are all talk and bullshit and no action.And that people you come across in this life, care about you more than you ever would have imagined. And that makes me smile. So, I know you will never read this, but thanks Joe. It really did mean a lot to me that you cared that much. And you're drink will never be empty or underpoured on my watch.
Okay, now to the bad. And these people fucking pissed me the fuck off and can suck a dick (this happened before the other thing did. Maybe if it hadn't I would have not been as pissed. But probally not).
Anyway, couple comes in with a baby. Sits it on the table. Whatever. I get their drinks. Take their order. The whole time they are snapping pics with their phones of the kid. I can tell they just want me to ooohhh and ahhh all over this baby. Just by the way they were looking at me, I new they wanted me to comment on what a sweetheart he was, how adorable, how precious. What the fuck ever. I have nothing agianst kids or babies. Maybe one day I'll have one. Who knows?In the past I've waited on kids that were so well behaved and sweet that my uterus ached.But I just was not in the fucking mood today. I'm not fucking Olan Mills taking pictures of your vagina dropping. I'm not going to go on and on about how fucking great it is that you as a couple have reproduced and decided to plop you fucking kid down on my table. You ordered you food. You got it. Your drinks never went empty and I was never at one time rude or short with you. I just didn't mention your fucking baby. It's not like he's ordering anything anyway and he's asleep so why the fuck do I need to acknowledge him? You have a baby. Big. Fucking. Deal.
Anyway so they finish eating and I ask them if there is anything else I can get them. No, they say, just the check. That would imply they didn't want dessert or anything right? I would think so, but apparently I was dead fucking wrong.
So they and the most precious child ever to be given birth too (how dare I not see that) leave. I go to pick up the credit card slip and ......fuck. They are some of those fuckers that like to leave passive agressive little notes on the slip. FUCK YOU. I would rather you just have the balls to go to the manager and complain than be little note writing pussies. You know I have to turn that shit in and you know the manager is going to see it and, well, it's just a dick move.
Basically the note said that I didn't offer them dessert (you fuckers said you were ready for the goddam check!) , didn't bring them bread plates (I totally fucking did), and that I didn't really conversate with them. Well, fuck me! What do you want me to do, sit down and fucking eat with your asses. You really didn't speak to me much more than to give your order, so its not like I was avoiding having any type of conversation with you. I was doing my job and waiting on other tables that obviously doesn't have issues of not getting self-entitled attention.You got everything you needed from me. Maybe you just hate each other so much as a couple that you need to bullshit with your server to have a nice meal. Maybe Superbaby didn't feel like talking to your asses either. Maybe your just passive agressive fuckfaces.
Personally, I think the reason they were so pissed off is because I didn't one time mention their baby and they felt that maybe, perhaps, they weren't fantastically special people for fucking and having a kid but simply normal people that happened to get knocked up. I know that's what really pissed them off. I could just tell by the way they kept snapping pictures of his ass everytime I walked by.
So they leave this long ass note (front and back) about how I need to be more personable. WTF? Most people I know when they go out just want to talk to the person they came out to eat with. Maybe I'm just crazy like that. I'm your server. Not a goddam clown to entertain your asses. I wasn't rude but I sure as hell didn't intend on bouncing a ball on my nose like a fucking seal to make your experience more enjoyable.I also have other shit I need to do. And I'm sure as hell not going to droll all over your crotchdropping, because frankly, I see babies everygoddam day and they all pretty much look the same. Oh and the kicker: They left me a four buck tip on $60, circled it and wrote "Generous tip." Fuck you. I hope your kid grows up to be a faboulous gay man that you disown because you just seem like the type of assholes that would do some shit like that. I then hope he writes a tell all book about how you are both assholes and makes millions of dollars and has a happy wonderful life far, far away from you dickwads.
Oh and by the way, I threw your slip away and told my manager I lost it (you didn't actually think I was going to let my ass get chewed out because of you, did you?). Also you can keep your "generous tip" and shove it up your passive agressive asses.
But I digress. Once again, thanks Joe. You made my night.

Ha Fucking Ha

For some reason every single one of my "guests" (that's what my manager would have me refer to them) last night thought they were one of the goddam Kings of Comedy. If you've been in the biz, I know you know what I'm talking about. Those dumbass cliche jokes every server/bartender has heard a million times. You ask them how they want the check. "Oh, we don't want it!", "You just keep it", ect., ect,. Very fucking funny asshole, now just tell me how the hell do you want me to spilt this motherfucking check up so you can get your unorginal, unhalirious ass out of here. Or the dipshits who say stupid shit like, "I don't have any money, guess I better wash some dishes". I actually hope you are kidding because we have a dishwasher for that shit and I will call the cops on your ass. I should actually call the cops anyway for you making me stand here one more second than I should, listening to you laugh at your own jokes and basically raping my ears with your annoying ass chuckle.
And then there is the dickheads that all but lick their fucking plates clean and when you go to clear it they say, "Oh, we just HATED it!", or "That was just terrible!" Oh, for fuck's sake, just hand me your goddam plate, piggy. I don't have time for this shit. And if you think you're even getting a courtesy laugh from me, fuck you. I'm taking the plate you just inhaled a chocolate cake off of and walking away, just so you look like the gluttonous asshole you have proved yourself to be.
Just shut the fuck up, pay your bill and leave. I don't need your stupid, unwitty ass comments that you would have no be no less than mentaly retarded not to realize I hear dumb shit just like it every day. You are not funny and I can only hope your dining companions see what a cheesedick you are.
We've heard every single "joke" there is, it wasn't amusing when anyone else said it. I can assure you, you saying it will not be an exception.
But nothing, and I mean nothing, will make me roll my eyes out of my head more than when I'm tending bar and I ask some drunk ass if he wants another one (Why I even bother, I don't know). They then proceed to say, "Twist my arm!" Okay, first off, fuck you. I'm not touching you for fear of catching your obvious dumbassness. And I highly doubt anyone has ever had to twist your arm or even imply there is still more booze in the county to get your ass to have another drink. Here's your fucking drink. Leave me alone, drink it and shut the fuck up.
Here's a tip. If you are one of those douchebags that makes these kind of "jokes", NO ONE thinks you are funny. If they happen to laugh, trust me, it's not because you have in any way amused them. They are just working for their tip. And shame on you for making someone work that hard for a tip. And if you have friends that pull shit like that when you go out with them, I totally recommend cutting them out of your life and defriending them on Facebook. Block the fucker too, they are that much of a douchebag.

The Complete Fucking Over of Man's Best Friend

Okay, this doesn't really have anything to do with the restaurant biz. But I'm still pretty fucking pissed off about it, so I need to vent. On the way home from work tonight I stopped at a gas station off the highway to get cigs and saw a beagle running back and forth across the road.
I may not like people all that much but I just so happen to be a huge animal lover, so I got out of my car and basically chased this dog into a residental area. I lost track of him and pray he's okay. I then decided to drive around some more to see if I could find him, and I'm hoping he went back home. So I then get back on the highway and see that someone had hit a dog (he looked kinda like a cattle dog, so I know it wasn't the beagle). He was pretty much splattered in the middle of the road and cars were just whipping by him. Someone just hit him and left him there. That shit doesn't fly with me. I was fucking pissed the fuck off. What kind of heartless fuck just hits a dog and leaves him there to be flattened by more cars on a busy highway? A fucking no good dickhead asshole, that's who.I understand that sometimes dogs or cats run out in front of you and sometimes you run over them. It's an accident and accidents happen. I get that. But to just leave him there?!? That is just some fucked up bullshit. Get out of your goddam car. Pull it out of the road. Check for a collar. Goddam it do something, don't just leave it there and go on your fucking merry goddam way like you didn't just kill something!
So I pulled over, almost getting hit myself and dragged him over to the grass and covered him up with a trash bag. That's really all I could do, I was by myself and he was too heavy for me to pick up. One of my male friends (with a huge heart for animals too) is going to stop and get him after he gets off of work and bury him. This dog was probally someone's beloved pet and it was the very least I could do just to get him out of the way of oncoming traffic. I wish I could have done more. This was a living creature and deserved more than to become uncared about roadkill.
But the thing that really pisses me off is that cars kept driving by and watching me do this (I'm a tiny gal and it was nighttime) and not one fucking person stopped to help. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. Shame, shame, shame on you fuckers. All of you are heartless fucks and I hope someone hits your asses with a semi and leaves you to rot in the middle of the road. *

*Sorry for the rant, but I love dogs and I am really fucking pissed and outraged.

Aren't You Clever, Asshole.

Hey, cheesedick fucktard that wants a drink. How very keen are you observations on life to notice that at the very end of the bar, no one seems to be waiting for a drink. And look, there's even a bartender down there making drinks. You wonder why no one else is down there ordering drinks. Don't they see there is no line? Oh well, you figure, you are just sooooo fucking much smarter than all of the rest of these dumbasses waiting for the other bartender in the middle of the bar to get your drink. You just walk your ass down here and start shouting out drinks to you little drunken heart's content. It's like the pretty little gal working down there is your own personal drinkslingin' fairy princess, God put her solely on Earth so you don't don't have to wait one extra fucking second for your precious draft beer.... Oh happy motherfucking day!!!
Actually, NO FUCKER! That's the "service bar", you dipshit. But you wouldn't know that because obviously you have never worked in the service industry a day in your life. And it is possible that you could be mentaly retarded not to notice that she is pulling tickets, making drinks and not making eye contact with anyone at the bar. The service bar is where a bartender is stationed to make drinks for the server's tables. And you standing there trying to get a drink from me is 1, interfering with me making the assload of tickets I need to get for the servers, 2, getting all up in the fucking way of said servers from picking up their drinks and mostly 3, pissing me the fuck off.
Don't walk your ass down to the service bar and try to order a drink, you clueless fuck. That's what the other 20 feet of bar is for. I hate you. Oh, and also, you are sooooo getting shortpoured for pulling that shit.