Thursday, April 28, 2011

You're a crazy fucking bitch, darlin'.

The other night a certified monkey bananas apeshit crazy bitch sat at my bar. Thought I'd share. So crazy bitch (CB) sat her ass at my bar right around five-ish, not long after we opened. First thing out of her mouth is how she just walked out of the place down the street because they fucked up her steak. Just got up, and walked the fuck out. Didn't pay or even bother to tell them why. So of course, I'm thinking, "Fuccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk, this is going to be good, good times "
Okay, backstory. I'm from the South. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I was born there. If you take away the racism, homophobia and politcal dumbassness, it's really not that bad. Anyway, I have a habit of calling people "hon," "sweetie", "darlin'", shit like that. I really don't even realize I'm doing it half the time. Mostly I just do it because I can't (or don't want to) remember people's name for shit. And let's admit it, guys dig that shit and it helps my tips.
So I give the guy sitting two seats down from her a beer and ask if he needs anything else, sweetie. He didn't seem to have a problem with it. Then I ask CB, "What can I get you, hon?" CB then proceeds to lose her shit. Telling me how unprofessional it is. How her and her dad are from up North (I'm guessing her mom is a native of Planet Crazyasfuck), and they DO NOT do that shit up there. Then CB goes on to tell me how if a server calls her dad "honey" more than one time, well, no tip for that rude, horrible bitch. It took all I had not to tell her that her dad sounded like a supreme asshole but he probally homeschooled her himself and it would have just pissed her off more. I then tried to explain to her that I'm southern and it's kinda a southern thing. Also, I'M A FUCKING BARTENDER! You're not at a goddam bank, or in a courthouse or any place like that and I'm not wearing a suit in case you have not noticed. I'm wearing a (tasteful) shirt that shows off my tits. So lighten the fuck up. I can assure you, you are not an any way a "hon" to me. I'll be at the service bar telling the servers what a fucked up bitch you are.
Finally this twat's food comes out. Thank God. We actually got her steak cooked right and she didn't walk out. Unfortunaly, I really wish we had because she would not stop running her fucking gob.
She starts telling me how she is a teacher for a mostly African-American school. And how basically all of her students were facinated with with white people's hair and skin. And how when she had a sunburn, "they" all assumed she had a skin infection. And how they thought all white people were related. And a bunch of other crazy shit about "those" people (funny, I thought only redneck southern people said stupid shit like that. But whatever.)
At this point I didn't know who was crazier, her or me, for actually allowing myself to have a converstion with this silly twat, so I just walked away. Then she went on to talk to anyone sitting around who might make the mistake of making eyecontact with her. Point is, bitch was just flat-out weird. She still wouldn't let the whole "hon" thing go either.
Okay, I can understand if your server is creepy, overly flirtly or something and keeps calling you stuff like that. I might get annoyed to. But I don't do it in a creepy way, I can assure you. It just kinda comes out. Unless you've come in before and left me a shitty tip or pissed me off. You don't get the pleasure of me calling you anything but an asshole. But I have never had someone get all pissy about it. And I try not to call someone's boyfriend that if his girlfriend is sitting right there. I'd probally be more likely to call her "hon". And I don't really do it when I'm on the floor, just when I'm slinging drinks.
But all of this explaining is pointless. Bitch was just plain out weird. That trumps Southern and I was happy to see her crazy ass walk out the door.
On a related note, later that same night one of my everyfuckingday regulars told me he thought I cussed too much. I then replied that I thought he drank too fucking much. End of conversation. Me: FTW.

8 comments:

  1. She definitely sounds crazy, but was she older than you?
    I know it sounds condescending to me when waitresses/bartenders who are my age or younger (think like 18-20) call me hon, or sweetie, etc.
    I don't hold it against them (out loud), I just think you have to be a certain age or personality type to be able to get away with it. Does that make sense?

    But if they do it with a southern accent, that's a-okay.

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  2. I think you cuss too much too.
    Hon.

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  3. She was about the same age as me (early 30's). So who the hell knows what her problem was. And Bob, you're one to fucking talk.;-)

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  4. Crazy customers are always entertaining. Like shoving a pineapple covered in barbwire up your own ass is entertaining.
    Great blog btw.

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  5. gotta say ( and I'm a bartender ) not much pisses me off more than being called Hon, sweetie, or love by my server or bartender....but still, she does sound like one crazy bi-otch!

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  6. thanks Mat.Thanks for reading, I really appriecate it! I honestly don't do it on purpose. And it's a great way to cover up the fact that you cannot remember a person's name (which I never can). It really doesn't seem like such a big deal. Ashleigh, she was a crazy bitch, but just to understand better, if you don't mind, can you explain why it annoys you so much. I'm really interested to know.

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  7. you know I'm not sure...maybe I have mommy issues...but seriously, those terms just feel too familiar, even if I'm having a good time with my bartender,It still chaps my ass, and if I spoke that way to my customers it would totally mean something else ( like "bless your heart" means "fuck you"). Of course until recently, I have worked mostly in Nevada,or Massachusetts, and the terms of endearment are not used so much there.but three years ago I moved to Nashville, and am now in southern Fl. and the hons' and sweeties pour like moonshine, I'm trying to get used to it; but It always rubs me a little raw, especially if the person is younger than me...but really, I'm working on it!

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  8. HA! I just spit my stolen Margarita out at the "bless your heart" line. Everybody down here says that shit. Usually after saying something really nasty about someone. For example, "Kelly seems to be really upset tonight, bless her heart". Translation: Kelly is an insufferable bitch. The rule in the south is that you can say anything horrible about a person as long as you follow it with "bless her/his heart". Also, I don't really like people younger than me talking to me at all.

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