You're a crazy fucking bitch, darlin'.

The other night a certified monkey bananas apeshit crazy bitch sat at my bar. Thought I'd share. So crazy bitch (CB) sat her ass at my bar right around five-ish, not long after we opened. First thing out of her mouth is how she just walked out of the place down the street because they fucked up her steak. Just got up, and walked the fuck out. Didn't pay or even bother to tell them why. So of course, I'm thinking, "Fuccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk, this is going to be good, good times "
Okay, backstory. I'm from the South. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I was born there. If you take away the racism, homophobia and politcal dumbassness, it's really not that bad. Anyway, I have a habit of calling people "hon," "sweetie", "darlin'", shit like that. I really don't even realize I'm doing it half the time. Mostly I just do it because I can't (or don't want to) remember people's name for shit. And let's admit it, guys dig that shit and it helps my tips.
So I give the guy sitting two seats down from her a beer and ask if he needs anything else, sweetie. He didn't seem to have a problem with it. Then I ask CB, "What can I get you, hon?" CB then proceeds to lose her shit. Telling me how unprofessional it is. How her and her dad are from up North (I'm guessing her mom is a native of Planet Crazyasfuck), and they DO NOT do that shit up there. Then CB goes on to tell me how if a server calls her dad "honey" more than one time, well, no tip for that rude, horrible bitch. It took all I had not to tell her that her dad sounded like a supreme asshole but he probally homeschooled her himself and it would have just pissed her off more. I then tried to explain to her that I'm southern and it's kinda a southern thing. Also, I'M A FUCKING BARTENDER! You're not at a goddam bank, or in a courthouse or any place like that and I'm not wearing a suit in case you have not noticed. I'm wearing a (tasteful) shirt that shows off my tits. So lighten the fuck up. I can assure you, you are not an any way a "hon" to me. I'll be at the service bar telling the servers what a fucked up bitch you are.
Finally this twat's food comes out. Thank God. We actually got her steak cooked right and she didn't walk out. Unfortunaly, I really wish we had because she would not stop running her fucking gob.
She starts telling me how she is a teacher for a mostly African-American school. And how basically all of her students were facinated with with white people's hair and skin. And how when she had a sunburn, "they" all assumed she had a skin infection. And how they thought all white people were related. And a bunch of other crazy shit about "those" people (funny, I thought only redneck southern people said stupid shit like that. But whatever.)
At this point I didn't know who was crazier, her or me, for actually allowing myself to have a converstion with this silly twat, so I just walked away. Then she went on to talk to anyone sitting around who might make the mistake of making eyecontact with her. Point is, bitch was just flat-out weird. She still wouldn't let the whole "hon" thing go either.
Okay, I can understand if your server is creepy, overly flirtly or something and keeps calling you stuff like that. I might get annoyed to. But I don't do it in a creepy way, I can assure you. It just kinda comes out. Unless you've come in before and left me a shitty tip or pissed me off. You don't get the pleasure of me calling you anything but an asshole. But I have never had someone get all pissy about it. And I try not to call someone's boyfriend that if his girlfriend is sitting right there. I'd probally be more likely to call her "hon". And I don't really do it when I'm on the floor, just when I'm slinging drinks.
But all of this explaining is pointless. Bitch was just plain out weird. That trumps Southern and I was happy to see her crazy ass walk out the door.
On a related note, later that same night one of my everyfuckingday regulars told me he thought I cussed too much. I then replied that I thought he drank too fucking much. End of conversation. Me: FTW.