I've been a bartender a long time and I am good at it. But people that sit at my bar everyday, you are starting to seriously piss me the fuck off.
First of all why the fuck are you sitting at my bar before I even walk in the door. How the fuck did you even get in? I haven't even clocked in yet and there you are sitting there looking at me with your glassy eyes wanting a fucking draft beer. You really need a fucking life.
Also, if you come in please stop fucking talking to whoever the hell your with or get off your goddam phone and order already. I really do not have all day to wait for you. I will most likey walk off and if I do dont get all pissy because I'm not back the minute you are ready to order. Dude, you are rude.
Do not sit your ass at my bar and order a sweet tea. You are a pain in my ass.Do you see a tea urn sitting on the goddam bar? No, I have to walk my ass back to the kicthen and get it for you because you suck. Order a Newcastle or something. And also, don't bring your fucking kid with you to my bar. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you really that much of a drunk? Get yourself and your kid out of my bar before I call child services.And to my precious bar regualrs: we are not friends. I really don't even like most of you. I don't give a shit about what you have to say. Don't think for one minute because you are a regular that you can leave a shitty tip. I wouldn't even show my face in a place that I left a shitty tip in, much less go there every goddam day. And why the hell are you here every fucking day anyway. Do you really not have that much to do? I don't want to look at you every fucking shift and no, we cannot be friends on Facebook.The thought of you makes me want to drown myself in the bathtub everyday before work.Speaking of which, when it is time to close, GETTHEFUCKOUT. Actually get out before then. I don't want to hang out with you. No, it's not "cool". I just have to tell you that or my manager will bitch at me. Unlike you, I have a life and I would like to go home. Also, stop staring at my tits. It's creepy.
And ladies, if I ask for your friends ID and not yours, please do not bring attention to it. It's pretty clear that you haven't seen 20 in a while. Don't make things awkard for me.
And I swear to God in Heaven, if one more of you fucker tell me to "make it a good one", I'm going to throw my fruit tray at your ass. Why the fuck would I hook you up if I don't know you. Tip me well, and we will see about the next one. Until then if you want a strong drink order a fucking double. And do not, do fucking not, sit at my bar for a hour and then move to a table and assume I will transfer the tab. You are an asshole