Cheesedick, Party of One

I had probally one of the biggest cheesedicks sit at my bar I've ever met tonight, and I just had to share. I'm sure my female barmaids can relate to the bullshit that was coming out of this douchebag's mouth.
First off, he has his hat on backwards and orders an iced tea. Already, you have annoyed me. Then he starts spewing some bullshit about how he is new in town and he owns his own roofing company or some shit. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention because I could sense he was hitting on me and I just wasn't in the goddam mood. Then he says how it was sooooo fucking hard for him to find an apartment because he just had to have a place with a garage. And me, like a dumbass, took the bait.
So, pray tell, why do you need a fucking garage? Cheesedick: "Well, when you have a car like mine, you just don't leave it out". I figured he was talking about a stupid revved up pickup that told everybody just how small his penis is but he corrected me by putting it out there that his car cost $170,000. Thats not a typo. He told me he owned a car that cost $170,000. Oh, for fucks sake! But he was one step ahead of me and had his phone out with a picture of it. No sign of him anywhere near the alleged pussymagnet. Just the car.
Look, I don't know shit about cars but I do know what a picture downloaded from the fucking internet looks like.
Okay, douche, I'll play. I asked him why anyone would spend that kind of money on a car. To which he replied, "Well, when you have as much money as I do, you just have to find better toys to spend it on. I just have so goddam much money I just buy what ever I want when I want it, blahfuckingblahblahblah"
Oh, just shut the fuck up already. We both know you are completly full of shit.You are not Scrooge Mcduck swimming around in you gold coins.You're not even convincing at patholgically lying about it. And I have found that people that actually do have that kind of money, never talk or brag about. Also, and most importantly, I'm not going to fuck you, so just shut the fuck up about how hard it is having so goddam much cash, pay for your shit and get out of my goddam face because I'm not some 19 year-old college freshman that is impressed or can't see through your dumbassed, hole-filled ramblings.
I mentioned to him that I had just went outside to the parking lot for a smokebreak (yep, back on the sauce) and didn't see any car that remotely looked like the stockphoto he probally shows ten girls a night in hope that it might get him some hot naive poon. But, you don't just don't drive a car like that around according to him. You have to actually go to his apartment (by the way, if your so fucking loaded, why the hell are you living in an apartment anyway, you lying sack of shit?) to see it, hehehe, wink,wink. Are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like I have some kind of mental disability to you that would actually make me agree to go to your fucking place to "see" you fucking imaginary car? If some bitch is dumb enough to do that, she gets what she deserves, because I'm sure she would be disappointed in more ways than not seeing a car he doesn't actually own.
Dude, just shut the fuck up already.Actually you should have shut up about twenty minutes ago, because now I have told the entire staff the line of bullshit you've been slinging and we are all laughing at your dumbass and will laugh at you everytime you step foot in this place.
And, most important, I don't care what you (at least say) you drive or how much money (you say) you have. Even if it was true, I don't give a flying fuck. I'll rather give up the goodies to a guy with a good heart and struggling just like I am before I would let some self centered  rich guy asshole so much as cop a feel any fucking day of the week.
I just want you to go home, so I can go home. In my Ford Escort. Which I love. And look, I even have a photo of it on my phone, with me in front of it!! Because I actually own it, you lying, fake car downloading dick.
And what did this supreme dickhead, who according to him, has money practically falling out of his asshole leave me? Three bucks. But I guess he must have a huge car payment or something. What a fucking douchebag.